I discovered that there was still more to her ability for cruelty. She knew me, and she knew the things that bothered me and she intentionally used those things against me through a public forum. In that forum she says that she directs vitriol and sarcasm only at herself. The proof is clearly in the writing, and her words speak a complete lie as her vitriol was so clearly directed at me and she knows she has readers who know me and knew exactly who she was talking about.

I felt the caustic sting of her words in a place where she claimed she would not hurt others. Yet she would claim she cared about me? I once thought that maybe she was done intentionally hurting me, but I was wrong. She had her means and methods to continue to dig in and cut into my heart.

Getting past what she had done to me was no easy task in light of other trials I faced. So if I say that I am not past it, I am probably not lying to myself or anyone else. I did send her a note to let her know she is forgiven. I do mean that. I asked her in that note not to respond. So far she has not. I once asked her not to read this blog. I have not seen evidence that she reads it, though I suspect she would find a way to learn what is written here through other means.

The Third Day

I call this blog my dark trails. It is primarily about the things that have happened in my life that I consider dark. It is about the things I have done in response to that darkness. I know I am capable of writing about very titillating sexual stories. I have not written many of those lately because sex has not come from the dark side of me. Some of the stories I wrote did not come from that dark side, but they still happened during times of darkness in my life.

On that third day. I had reached the end of my ability to stand. I had been completely crushed and broken. She once said she did not take things lightly and that she really did care for me. But in the light of that day when I went from standing on my feet, to collapsed on the floor without any strength in my body, my mind, or even in my heart, I cannot believe she cared at all about me. For a month she dictated all of the terms of the relationship.

Thoroughly breaking her promise to not be controlling with me. She did not display anything that resembled caring about what I thought about what she was doing. She never once indicated she cared how I felt about what she was doing. There was only her being in control of all aspects of the relationship and sending me the message that I would either deal with it or pay dearly. It was only one of the promises that she broke though. There were others, and she broke those promises just as surely as the one mentioned here.

One Year Ago

One year ago today. I collapsed. I had no strength in my body, my mind, or in my heart. I fell to the floor, alone in my house. There was no capability in me to get back up. There was no capability to stop the tears that were flowing freely from my body.

Those tears were not enough to cleanse the pain and anguish out of me that had led me there. It was the second time it had happened within the space of a week. The results were still the same. Through the course of a month I had been beaten and battered. I never suspected she could be like that, and could not see it even when it was right in front of me.

The first collapse came three days before she delivered the final crushing blow and the second came three days after those final words. I had no idea she was capable of such a level of cruelty as she displayed. For three days I still stood. But on the third day that crushing blow came back to roost.