Man’s Libido

A man’s libido starts declining from about the age of 19 (I understand that a woman's libido reaches a peak between the ages of 35 to 45). I have been lucky in that my decline seems to have been very slow, but I know it’s there. In a way, I can enjoy sex more now, because I don’t need it so often, so I can store up the energy for a week and then the release is so much more intense.

Now, believe this if you will! Back in 1997 I kept a diary. That year we had been married for 27 years, and my wife and I fucked 87 times, she gave me a hand job eight times, we did anal sex twice and I wanked on my own 47 times. That means I came 144 times (nearly three times a week). And don’t worry, I only kept that diary for a year (well, four years, actually, but looking back, the statistics don’t vary much between 1994 and 1997).

I have no idea what the figures would be now, and I don’t want to keep a similar diary. But last week was pretty good. My mistress and I fucked once (well, a lot of times actually in the couple of hours we had, but it was on one occasion and I only came once), my wife and I fucked once and I masturbated once. Maybe I can still remember the man I was 13 years ago :)

Receiving Oral Sex

I am like so many other men and can freely admit that I enjoy receiving oral sex. I did write one post regarding someone who did something that really left an impression on me here. That was just one little aspect though. There is so much more. I think the things I find most pleasurable are normal among men. Naturally there will be some deviation among men, just like there is deviation among women in what they find most pleasurable. That is natural.

So what this is about is what I enjoy. I hope the descriptions are sufficient that as you read this, you really do understand and if you are a woman, do these for your man, and if a man, express this to your partner. First of all, there is no one way that just works. When I was younger and a gentle breeze was enough to get me aroused maybe. But I am quiet evolved past that point.

After a certain amount of time and interaction, there are scars on the inside as well as pleasant memories. Both of those combine to make me into something new and unique and no longer the same as I was as a teenager. The most effective way to get me truly hard, truly aroused, and able to thoroughly let go of everything but the moment is to get into my mind. This blog is not sufficient to describe all that it takes to get into my mind. But I can at least share some insight for ways to get into my mind that should be useful with others.

Be into it. Seriously. Don't treat giving a man oral sex as a favor to him. If you don't enjoy it, or you are not really into it, it will show. Treat it is as something you really do want to do. As something that arouses you, makes you wetter and hotter. Revel in the power you have over him through the attention focused mostly on one part of his body. Whatever it is that works for you, that makes you enjoy giving oral sex, then open yourself to that and let it show to the man you are sucking.

Don't be a porn star about it. Maybe that works for some guys, but not me. Porn is fun to watch, but it comes across as so fake. I don't want fake in my sex life. I think there are very few people who would ever say they want sex to be fake in some way (toys may be excluded from that statement).

Remembering

Recently I remembered exactly why I was so drawn to her, and why I wanted her so much as I did. Then I was reminded what it is about her that I do not like. I am going back to what I once said in a previous post. I do not believe she understands what love is, and I do not believe she really understands what it means to care about another human being.

I won't tell her not to read my blog anymore. It may be time to close the door here and open another door (or window) elsewhere. I am working on rebuilding, and for my loyal readers and more, I will provide an update on where to find me.

She can hide in such a way that I would never know if she is reading. Maybe that is what she prefers or maybe not... I dont know what to think anymore. For now, the Dom is back in his quiet room. Probably reading a good erotic book. The weak one is wearing his chains and locked in his room. I doubt he will be allowed to come back out anytime soon.

Things Change

When sand has been changed to glass. It will not go back to being sand. When wheat has changed to bread. It will never be wheat again. When fruit has ripened. It can never again be a flower. A child born. Cannot return to the womb. Most of these are excerpts from something I read this morning that put me in a thoughtful frame of mind. All my life has been about changes and going through changes and being changed. It made me aware that I have been fighting some of those changes. Even after the change has reached a point that it cannot be undone.

I guess it is time to accept those changes. But at the same time, to be proactive and make positive changes that I have direct control or influence over. It won't happen overnight, just as a garden vegetable will not happen overnight, it is a process and will take time to grow into what it will be. I will need time to continue growing and changing and becoming still something new and different, and yet still me. There are still questions though. Questions that still fall within this context. For example. When a relationship has become broken to the point of no communication what should you do? Going to luxury escorts isn't a solution for every situation.

Can any part of it become unbroken? So far my experience has shown me a resounding no on that question. I honestly wish it was not like that. But that is the way it has been for me. This question is in reference to a relationship I have never mentioned on this blog, and I will not describe it further. But I sincerely hope that what was broken can be unbroken. There are still other thoughts about changes going on in me. One of those relates to forgiveness. That topic may or may not become its own post. I have too much in my mind to write it out at this time.

I Don't Want Her Here

I do not want her here at my blog. Nor do I want her to respond because I have come to believe that she does not understand what love is, and that she does not have any understanding of what it means to care for another human being.

I have no trust or faith in her and I do not want her to be able to ever reach in and cut me again like she has done so many times. My trust in her is so low that I would not even accept an apology from her unless she offered proof of her sincerity first. I cannot believe she is either capable or willing to offer anything that resembles proof.

I can only believe she would offer excuses and justifications for her actions and words. I have no interest in why she felt justified in cutting into me as she did. I have no interest in her excuses for not being able to love and care for someone despite her words that she did.

Discovering

I discovered that there was still more to her ability for cruelty. She knew me, and she knew the things that bothered me and she intentionally used those things against me through a public forum. In that forum she says that she directs vitriol and sarcasm only at herself. The proof is clearly in the writing, and her words speak a complete lie as her vitriol was so clearly directed at me and she knows she has readers who know me and knew exactly who she was talking about.

I felt the caustic sting of her words in a place where she claimed she would not hurt others. Yet she would claim she cared about me? I once thought that maybe she was done intentionally hurting me, but I was wrong. She had her means and methods to continue to dig in and cut into my heart.

Getting past what she had done to me was no easy task in light of other trials I faced. So if I say that I am not past it, I am probably not lying to myself or anyone else. I did send her a note to let her know she is forgiven. I do mean that. I asked her in that note not to respond. So far she has not. I once asked her not to read this blog. I have not seen evidence that she reads it, though I suspect she would find a way to learn what is written here through other means.

The Third Day

I call this blog my dark trails. It is primarily about the things that have happened in my life that I consider dark. It is about the things I have done in response to that darkness. I know I am capable of writing about very titillating sexual stories. I have not written many of those lately because sex has not come from the dark side of me. Some of the stories I wrote did not come from that dark side, but they still happened during times of darkness in my life.

On that third day. I had reached the end of my ability to stand. I had been completely crushed and broken. She once said she did not take things lightly and that she really did care for me. But in the light of that day when I went from standing on my feet, to collapsed on the floor without any strength in my body, my mind, or even in my heart, I cannot believe she cared at all about me. For a month she dictated all of the terms of the relationship.

Thoroughly breaking her promise to not be controlling with me. She did not display anything that resembled caring about what I thought about what she was doing. She never once indicated she cared how I felt about what she was doing. There was only her being in control of all aspects of the relationship and sending me the message that I would either deal with it or pay dearly. It was only one of the promises that she broke though. There were others, and she broke those promises just as surely as the one mentioned here.